Philosopher's Fanfiction
by AkaiHato
Summary: Aristotle, Lao Tzu, Plato and Confucius are the victims of academic fanfiction. [Two of them end up sitting by the road to study plants, and the other two yell at each other.]
1. Philosopher's Fanfiction

Philosopher's Fanfiction

It was a fine day after a storm, and the sun shone brightly in an azure sky. Two roads had just merged into one; there had been a pair of travelers on each road, and they now made a group of four. They began to politely trade words, each pairing off with one from the other road. For whatever reason, they spoke the same tongue.

And because the travelers were great thinkers, their talk went on like this.

"Good knots have no rope, but cannot be untied," said Lao-Tzu, nodding in a satisfactory manner.

Aristotle nodded along a few times with Lao-Tzu, looking intrigued. Then he paused, thought for a moment and said, "I find you make no sense."

Meanwhile, Plato was exchanging opinions with Confuscius. "We've got to help people, help them change! Make them see the light!" emphasized Plato.

Confucius nodded. "Yes, bring back the fine traditions of the past that once lit the way."

Plato looked at Confucius with disgust, so much that Confucius did a double-take on this sour reaction. "The past and the ideas handed down," said Plato stiffly, "is what shackles people. People must relearn what they once knew and now forgot."

Confucius gave Plato a look of bafflement.

---

"So the Tao..." continued Aristotle, "Is it the greatest good?"

Lao-Tzu blinked. "Er... It is unformed and complete, like an uncarved block of wood. Tao endures in its own nature."

"Self-fulfilling? So it is happiness?"

"Those who sustain Tao do not wish to be full..."

---

Plato was explaining his just city to Confucius. The Chinese philosopher was politely listening to Plato in the manner that one listens to an annoying elder orate a story. Plato began to mention family bonds, and Confucius looked like he might get along with Plato after all.

"Oh, you agree, too, that family ties are important in everyone's life?" noted Confucius.

"Very much so," nodded Plato. "Family bonds, in fact, are far too strong." Confucius frowned on the intonation. Plato continued. "If you ever want a just city, they should be broken and blood family should never know one another."

_"WHAT?"_

---

Meanwhile, Lao-Tzu was still trying to explain the Way to Aristotle.

"Water, you say? The Tao has to do with water?"

---

Plato frowned, arguing, "Well, surely there are some traditions from the past that won't do for governing a city."

"I do admit," said Confucius, although he appeared like he didn't want to admit anything towards Plato, "I should like to do away with the tunes of Cheng, which are licentious. And the clever talkers, too, which are dangerous."

"Ah, yes. Poets are clever talkers and troublemakers if they aren't watched. Should I rule, I would be careful about who hears which poetry, music, and stories in my city."

Confucius did not look happy that he shared a similarity with Plato. "Common people can lack understanding, but rulers should not be corrupt like that."

"Not corrupt," replied Plato in irritation, "but thinking of the people's happiness as a whole."

Confucius looked even more unhappy. "But... the trust of the people in their rulers!" he said simply, implying how important it was.

"Exactly why some of the people shouldn't hear certain music and poetry that will make them think too much, be unhappy, and doubt you."

Confucius grimaced and shook his head. But he seemed strangely elated, at the same time. "No no! The people will trust you and be happy if you carry out the rituals."

"What?" said Plato, taken back for once.

"Forgive me, but why are you so concerned with reason?" asked Lao-Tzu to Aristotle in the background.

---

Plato had gone into his famous argument mode. It was something no one, least of all a gentleman like poor Confucius, should be subjected to. Finally Confucius cried, "Why do you trap me with so many questions?"

Plato glared at him. "Why don't _you_ question things more? Such as if your ancestors' rituals and traditions should be held so high?"

"Well, at least I teach a system that I know to work!"

"In the past, anyway. How do you know it will work in the modern day?"

"I consider the old system far better than the recent practices in my country. At any rate, at least the _old _ways worked at one time. How do you know that _your_ city of justice will work at all?" Confucius tutted. "Really, breaking up families like that!"

"I would break the families to make a bigger family, that of the city." Then Plato looked at Confucius. "Why are you obsessed with family?"

"I grew up with very strong family ties." Confucius paused. Then he added, a bit nastily and ungentlemanly, "Were you perhaps abandoned as a child?"

---

Lao-Tzu suddenly looked happy. He tossed his hands lightly with an "Ah!" and paused walking, turning to Aristotle. Aristotle stopped walking as well. Lao-Tzu spoke. "I believe I know what can help you understand."

Hearing this, Aristotle looked intently at Lao-Tzu, as if determined to find the answer first by scrutinizing Lao-Tzu's face. Lao-Tzu smiled. "Tao called Tao is not Tao."

"What?"

---

Nearby, Confucius threw up his hands in a more frustrated manner towards Plato. "Aiyah–! Lao-Tzu, what do you think of. . . ." Confucius trailed off, as he looked around quizzically for his traveling partner. "Lao-Tzu?"

---

Aristotle and Lao-Tzu seemed to have decided that, as long as they had both stopped walking, they should take a rest by the side of the road. Although they might been from opposite ends of the earth, the two great thinkers were united in this cheerfully scatter-minded attitude that halting – without telling the rest of the traveling group – was a fine thing to do. Or perhaps the two were simply caught up in their conversation, as Confucius and Plato were in theirs.

Either way, Lao-Tzu and Aristotle now sat on edge of the road and enjoyed the scenery.

Lao-Tzu gestured and spoke. "See how that oak, so mighty and strong, has fallen over? But the grass is weak like water, like an infant, it bends and does not break. The weak prevail."

Aristotle looked surprised. "Oh? I was going to say, that frail spider-web over there was broken, and that stubborn oak was destroyed, but the weeds, being of neither extreme, survived." He added, "However, your words show an interesting way of thinking."

Lao-Tzu bowed in a manner that thanked Aristotle and somehow acknowledged that Aristotle's words were appreciated in the same way. (Aristotle wondered how Lao-Tzu managed such a subtle gesture.) Lao-Tzu then gestured towards the patch of plants nearby, and the two took a moment to look at them.

"That one flower, that stands out so," said Aristotle, gesturing, "the one that does not veer too much in either direction, that is perfect in blossom, that flower is as rare as the truly good person." He looked at Lao-Tzu expectantly.

Lao-Tzu spoke. "That one blossom, with so fragile petals and delicate color, it is seen because it does so without trying, it does not fight with the other flowers and therefore the other flowers cannot crush it." Aristotle looked delighted upon hearing this, and he ecstatically tapped his fingers together.

---

By now, Confucius and Plato had come over, as they wondered what was keeping Aristotle and Confucius (and why the two hadn't bothered to announce a stop).

Confucius glanced at the flora, noting, "My cousin enjoyed picking these flowers when learning traditional flower arrangements."

"Hah, flowers, these flowers are just images, shadows, particular manifestations of a higher form," noted Plato at the same time.

Hearing yet another reference to family and tradition, Plato gave Confucius a funny look.

Hearing Plato, everyone else looked at Plato as if he was mad.

---

Aristotle clapped Lao-Tzu on the back, laughing. "Well, anyway – I don't quite understand you sometimes, my friend, but I like you. You make me think, and that is a pleasure."

Lao-Tzu, who looked briefly startled on being clapped on the back, smiled. "There is also a pleasure from doing nothing."

Aristotle laughed again. "That's wonderful! Say something else!"

Lao-Tzu smiled once more, but seemed a touch nettled.

---

Plato was getting riled up, which was unusual. "You cling to the past, you teach nothing new!" he shouted to Confucius.

"I never said I did such! I merely transmit, I teach the great traditions." Confucius added, rather pointedly, "Such as the importance of family."

Into the middle of this strife came Aristotle. "Plato, have you met this fellow?" said Aristotle, pushing Lao-Tzu forward by the shoulders. "He's delightful!"

Lao-Tzu was flattered, but also moments away from asking why Aristotle was treating him something like a trained monkey.

"Have you met_ this_ fellow?" growled Plato, glaring at Confucius. "He's _infuriating_!" Confucius glared back in a rather ungentlemanly manner.

---

In the end, however, the four thinkers traveled together after all. Lao-Tzu seemed to have forgiven Aristotle for treating him like a festival amusement, for Aristotle _was_ earnestly interested. And eventually, Aristotle told Lao-Tzu more of his ideas, instead of just having Lao-Tzu talk all the time.

One would think Confucius and Plato would want to get out of each other's sight as soon as possible. But they were honest in their curiosity of each other; or at least, they were addicted to arguing with each other. At any rate, Plato and Confucius walked just close enough to throw snippets of arguments at each other.

And in the manner of great thinkers, no one had remembered to do proper introductions. But in time, everyone figured out the others' names anyway.

_End._

* * *

— Afternote –– 

The turn of the century, or around 2000-01:

AkaiHato writes lots of goofy fanfics.

Flash foreward some years:

AkaiHato takes some tricks honed while writing fanfiction and applies them to an academic assignment. This turns out to be fun. The work sails along, too, taking only ½ the usual time to write an essay.

And, out of all the other things AkaiHato wrote for the class, this goofy assignment somehow gets the best grade.

And it gets published in the local college literary journal.

"...Huh?"

Exactly.


	2. Original Assignment Guidelines

Original Assignment Guidelines

I was in an introductory literature class. We were studying the old thinkers, and the professor gave this assignment:

1) Create a short scenario where two philosophers meet each other. Each philosopher ust be from a different area of the world.

2) Write an analysis of the scenario and explain the character's motives and actions.

Incidentally, I think my professor is awesome.

As I started writing arguments between characters, I realized I was going to have not two but _four_ philosophers, a longer story, and a lot more research and learning to do. I ended up pulling an all-nighter (a strangely fun one, as all-nighters go), then turned in the essay under the title of "Philosophical Mess." I didn't think the professor knew what fanfiction was.

As you may have noticed, I didn't post the second (and actually academic) portion of the essay.

The professor liked the story.


End file.
